This is part two of a three part series on Israel. For part one, a dialogue on religion and science, click here. For part three on science in Israel click here.
For those of you who know me- I haven’t done a baking blog in almost three years. Well, I’m happy to say that I have been inspired by the Jewish inhabitants of the fine city of Jerusalem to do a baking blog. You may notice it’s completely sophomoric, and then you may notice that this is the whole point. Enjoy!
My name is Bradley Lusk and I'm here to give you all some cooking tips for quick meals that don't suck. The main objectives of my cooking are: 1. Meals that don't suck! 2. Meals that are ready when you're hungry... like RIGHT FUCKING NOW! 3. Metal!!!
Step 01: Choose your record. Honestly, I’m on the road and have absolutely zero chance of listening to records. And really, how was I going to play music when the dude at the hostel was explaining to everyone how to make hummus? Like, “wait a minute dude, I gotta crank up some blast-beats- it’s just not cooking without growling and shit.” No, I didn’t do that. I’ll give you a cool recommendation anyway. Listen to The Barons of Tang while you read this blog and pretend that’s what we were all listening too. Make sure to listen to it while you prepare the hummus yourself.
Step 02: Now that you’ve armed four dudes with cooking supplies and a camera… wait, wait. Ok, you don’t have to get four dudes with cooking supplies and a camera, but get some friends to do this. Really, it’s the Shabbat- you can’t celebrate the Shabbat alone! You need secular friends around to open doors for you and stir the hummus and stuff.
Step 03: Soak chickpeas for a minimum of three hours. Then, boil chickpeas for three hours! This is to make them the right consistency for smashing into hummus.
Step 04: Essential ingredient- add Tahini sesame seed sauce. The correct proportion is about 60g of Tahini for 200g chickpeas. But you don’t always play by the rules do you?… rebel.
Step 05: Add some finely chopped garlic pieces. I used four because I like my breath to smell like the set of Transylvanian dungeon porn, but you can add as much or as little as you prefer.
Step 06: Now you can tell everyone, “when life gives you lemons, fuck it, make hummus!” Put ½ lemon in the mix.
Step 07: When cooking, I was told, it is an old Hebrew tradition to measure things in units of time rather than volume. It’s absolutely nothing like a lightyear, but I wanted to throw that concept in here anyway. Add one second of olive oil and four seconds of water. Cooking you know- it’s a precise science.
Step 08: Once everything is added….
"HoHo there! I'm Mickey!" Make those chickpeas feel like George Lucas! Squash 'em tell there's nothing left. You'll know the job is done when their spirit is completely diminished. HoHo. I may be destroying your child's perception of reality- causing irreversible trauma and instilling a subtle and everlasting sense of racism that becomes systemic and disenfranchises entire impoverished and minority communities, but at least I got rid of JarJar Binks. HoHo!
...Mix it up like you’re making your best friend regret going on the strawberry ride at the carnival. You know, the one where your friend wants to go on it because they think it’s ‘safe’ or a ‘kid-ride’ because it doesn’t go upside down. But then you crank that thing so hard it disorients them for the rest of the day and ends up being the only time at the carnival they actually threw up. It was fun for you though- watching your friend throw up in perfectly shaped circles as they stuck their head over the strawberry walls and traumatized all the kids on the strawberries at the carnival.
Step 09: A dash of pepper
Step 10: Meghan Trainors got nothin’ on that creamy bass (sic)!
Step 11: Use a spoon to evenly spread the hummus on a plate. Add a little olive oil on top and garnish with chickpeas.
Step 12: Don’t forget the Hebrew salad! It’s what kept Moses alive as he traversed the harsh Israeli desert! Actually, that’s not true at all- I completely made it up. But now I’ve got you thinking about salad so we might as well do this thing.
The useful part of step 12 which I neglected to mention and Step 13: Get a cucumber, a tomato, and half a red onion- chop them into find pieces.
Step 14: Add olive oil and lemon (because that’s what Israelis add to everything)
Step 15: You know the Hebrew word for chickpeas? It’s hummus (חומוס). I know, I know- now you feel like I did… Kinda stupid for taking thirty minutes (two beers- see caption) to turn hummus into hummus. Shut up brain! Mazel tov- it’s food time!